The Nurturing Male

As a nurturing male father, I see a huge rift in opinions of people in our society over the nature of men as primary care givers. Many people believe that fathers can be equally successful as nurturing parents as their female counterparts. Stay at home dads can be a beneficial and rewarding option for parents of young children.

Others however, would suggest that it’s a curse on our society, as we would only be raising a “nation of uncaring citizens” as I once heard a concerned mother phrase it. This is a biased outlook and reflects a tired view of gender roles. This opinion doesn’t account for the growing section of new fathers who are becoming the nurturing male.

It’s easy to see that historically, fathers are the providers, leaving the mothers to be the emotionally nurturing of the two sexes. Eons of these gender roles tend to psychologically equip parents to deal with emotional situations differently. In most cases, fathers become the distant providers supplying their families with the essentials for survival, while the mothers tend to connect emotionally and nurture the well-being of the individuals in the household.

It’s just evolution that tends to cause most fathers to “check-out” when emotional issues arise in the house. There are many different ways that fathers tend to emotionally distance themselves such as: sports, TV, home repair, and excessive work. This trend is very common and chances are you might have been raised by an un-nurturing father as well.

For the stay at home dad, this is as unhealthy as you can get. Children need emotional support and to feel that you are accepting of them as they grow and are raised by their primary caregiver. If you are going to emotionally check out on them, they might as well be with a babysitter or in daycare.

Becoming a more emotionally supportive and nurturing father requires practice, patience, and mental training. Here are a few tips that can help you become more nurturing:

Get to know your child’s life. What are their interests? Their favorite movies, TV shows and toys? What do they like? Who are their friends? The more you show you’re willing to know your child, the easier they will come to you with problems. You’re related - so go ahead and relate.

Get involved in their issues. When your child struggles in different aspects of life, be willing to get involved and help them understand, and overcome their obstacles. Share in their successes; show that you are involved and that you will be there if they fail. Be willing to accept them and support them if they do.

Have a behavioral plan for yourself ready for when your child begins whining or crying. Don’t just leave the situation and think you’re unable to handle it. Take a deep breath, find your center, and get involved in fixing the problem. You child is acting that way for a reason, learn why.

Look at the pattern that you are currently in. How are you being emotionally unsupportive? Watch for the times when things get emotionally tense with your kids and how you begin to behave. How are you falling short of optimal behavior? What triggers your emotional vacancy? Remember, it’s a process of improvement; you won’t get it right overnight.

Becoming the nurturing father will inevitably bring up various feelings inside yourself. You might find that this extra effort makes you feel drained, sad, or even irritated and angry. It’s ok to feel this way, but remember that you are strengthening the bond with your children and supporting their needs, you’ll grow used to you’re new behavioral change, and the ill feelings will fade away.

In the daily strive to nurture your family don’t forget to nurture yourself too. It might sound feminine to say that, but honestly we all need a little time to ourselves. Don’t know how to nurture yourself? Find a relaxing activity for you to do regularly, like fishing, attending sporting events, or reading a book. What ever you do make sure that you feel relaxed and rejuvenated afterwards.

The road toward becoming a nurturing and emotionally present father is not one to take lightly. Strengthening the bonds with your children is ultimately the most rewarding experience you can have in your life. Regardless of the amount of time you spend with your kids, make sure it’s of the best quality and that your child feels your acceptance at the best and the worst possible times

-3/20/08